First, check out the best horrible parent link to Waist High this week, or ever. Second, just know that my co-worker has a daughter too:
Waist High: "So what do you get your child for their 18th birthday? Any ideas?"
Co-Worker: "Oh that's right, she's turning 18. (Long pause...) A carton of cigarettes."
What was simply an innocent comment to My Lovely Teenaged Daughter, while dining at Portland Oregon's Typhoon Restaurant last Saturday, about the most frightening documentary Waist High has ever seen, has somehow led to many, many horrifying things. Which includes, but is not limited to, the quote of the week, the year, or maybe even: my entire career as a mother.
If you have not seen Dan Aykroyd Unplugged on UFO's, don't. No, really. Don't. Because if you do, the following might happen to you too.
You might start out by mentioning to your teenaged daughter, while dining, "Hey, I watched this documentary on UFO's with Dan Aykroyd." You then might find yourself telling that same teenaged daughter all of the horrifying things that you saw/heard in said documentary. Including, but not limited to, Dan Aykroyd describing the day he was told that his SCI-FI Channel show Out There was cancelled: "He describes an incident that occurred while he was preparing to tape a new episode. He had stepped outside and was taking a phone call to come back for a Saturday Night Live skit. During this conversation, Aykroyd claims he was approached by the notorious Men in Black -- not Will Smith or Tommy Lee Jones, either, but the possible real magilla, complete with a large black vehicle. They watched him, he turned away, turned back and they were gone. Within seconds."
Your teenaged daughter might then become scared out of her mind, but will insist on seeing the documentary for herself, because there is no way, according to her, that all of the things that you have just told her could be true.
You might then go rent above mentioned documentary, which includes footage Mexican Air Force pilots filmed of 11 UFO's in the skies over Mexico in March 2004. UFO's, I might mention, that the pilots never saw with their own eyes, but UFO's picked up by their infrared lens equipped video camera. (Read all about that here.)
And hey, while you are renting the Aykroyd documentary, why not rent Close Encounters of The Third Kind, a film your teenaged daughter has never seen, and a film you, a 38 year old grown up, has not seen since its release in 1977. You might then watch both these films. In the middle of the night.
ONE WEEK LATER, you might still find yourself engaged in conversations with your teenaged daughter who now believes that she, being one of more than 300 million American citizens, will be the next UFO abductee. She then might get a lecture about how that kind of stuff only happens in rural areas where her mother works, not in the middle of a big city full of smelly hippies.
So now, not only is your 17 year old daughter afraid to be alone for one second, but you, the 38 year old grown up, might find yourself doing the following:
1. Sleeping with your back only to the wall.
2. Minimizing use of the bathroom in the middle of the night. And when using the bathroom in the middle of the night, running to it and from it.
3. Realizing that no shit, the rural roads that you drive to your workplace in rural Oregon, and the large open fields that surround them, would be perfect for abductions.
4. Wondering when the day will come that you will be able to get the image of Barry, the child from Close Encounters, being yanked through the doggie door by the aliens, out of your mind.
5. Which is nothing compared to getting the 'screws in the floor vent' scene out of your mind. Thanks Spielberg.
6. Constantly e-mailing terrifying pictures of aliens and UFO's to your beloved only child, who is scared to death of being abducted by aliens. Terrifying pictures have included Barry, the child from Close Encounters, being yanked through the doggie door by the aliens.
You then might go down the path of wondering if you are really suitable to be a parent, what kind of parent does that to their child? You might then have the following exchange with your teenaged daughter:
(Which could then lead to you being overcome with immense vain pride. Which might lead to you possibly kissing yourself on the lips in the mirror. Which could even lead to you thanking Dan Aykroyd, via e-mail, for the documentary. Because against all odds, your daughter has become her mother's daughter. She has grown up to be just like you. ABC & Martin Fry loving, expensive new shoes once a month buying, and all)
WAIST HIGH: "You are not going to get abducted. Get real."
LOVELY TEENAGED DAUGHTER: "Yes I am. Turn the music up."
WAIST HIGH: "Knock it off."
LOVELY TEENAGED DAUGHTER: "And if they take my shoes, I'm gonna be pissed!"
Quoted material: the-trades.com
The quote of the week comes from Waist High Special Correspondent "Tri-Tip," and was delivered via the highly classified and sophisticated communication system of Yahoo Messenger. It details precisely what "Tri-Tip" will be doing for the evening. He details the information in his own very special way of course. Enjoy.(5/22/2006 11:28:58PM)Shower, Chicken dinosaurs w/ranch, scanner, NancyGraceless...
Or the statement of the week I should say, comes from notwellplanned.com, Waist High's new favorite blog, who says that she wishes "both 'Rock You Like A Hurricane' and a wind machine would start up simultaneously whenever" she enters a room.
"We were doing drugs in the dressing room (at a concert in the 80's). Suddenly the tour manager stuck his head (in) the door and said, 'The police are here!' We all panicked and threw our drugs in the toilet. Then Sting, Andy Summers and Stewart Copeland walked in." (oregonlive.com via Guitar World Magazine)
Waist High Special Correspondent "Tri-Tip":
"People sure know their booze in Bakersfield..."
Hey Seattle! Suppose someone from Bakersfield California actually said that to Waist High last month? What would you say? Would you tell them they don't know about rain?
Would you tell them that today was your 23rd consecutive day of rain?? I would if I were you.
And it was on the internet, and it was written by my daughter, and it was found in a place we had both sort of forgotten about.
From Mar. 15, 2005:
"Waist High is going to Vegas
LTD is throwing a massive kegger
Just kidding.
Waist High said I need
To show that I'm responsible enough
To not do something irrational
(Like move one of her throw pillows).
There would be massive hysteria then.
If I don't show I'm able to be responsible
between now and when she leaves,
she said I will be 'sent to Holly Hobby Daycare.'
I explained to her that they don't let kids who can drive come to daycare..."
For more hilarity, cruise over to Bake Town's interview with My Lovely Teenaged Daughter, where she only refers to Bakersfield as a "hellhole" once.
Waist High: "I am going to save all of my vacation and go to Hawaii in March."
Lovely Teenaged Daughter: "You are too old to go to Hawaii."
Waist High: "This could be my final resting place. I don't ever plan to move again unless I get married."
Lovely Teenaged Daughter: "Right. So you won't ever be moving?"
Photo courtesy of: The Lovely Teenaged Daughter Collection
Waist High's "Bakersfield Man On The Streets" and Special Correspondent "Tri-Tip": "So it turns out this thing is not just a fucking booze fest but it's a charity event too. That will nullify all the scummers."
Waist High: "So you can't even pick your nose anymore with those things?"
Lovely Teenaged Daughter: "I can still pick my nose, I just can't pick my toes."
Waist High: "So was it when you moved to Oregon that he started biting people?"
Rampart: "No. He'd been biting people for years."
Photo courtesy: acclaimimages.com
"I gotta go, we've got Jamaicans coming to the room!"
"All I do is work. Then it's come home, shower, scanner (police), bed."
Dumb Ass: "I can't believe you're broke at 50!"
Waist High: "How many times do I have to tell you I'm not 50!"
Dumb Ass: "You look fifty."
"You should put GHB in their food. With an eye dropper or something."
Waist High: "Don't you think you're a little too old to be going to clubs?"
"Tri-Tip": I probably won't go. Shit, I'll probably just go back to the hotel, get a chicken salad, and watch Tritia Toyota."
Photo courtesy: ncrr-la.org
"Tri-Tip": "In this situation, the best thing you can do is be silent. Silence is golden. It's understood in all languages. It is the universal language for 'I'm pissed off.'"
Best book find of the week: 602 Reasons To Be Pissed Off
"You know you drink too much coffee when you have a coffee ground in your eye dumb ass!"
We've got:
"I thought you were about 43."
We've got:
"What did you say? You said you had a bag of vibrators?"
We've got this one:
"Hot damn. So I looked at that image, and thought 'I gotta send that to Chrissy!', and then I realized it was on your site."
(Referencing the below 'get loaded' photograph)
We've also got:
"Don't make me play the tampon card!"
What about:
"Stop calling them Echo and the Funnymen!"
We've got:
"That's your car? That's an old person's car."
Or this:
"You should go back to the kitchen where women belong."
We've also got:
"No. Worse. She's from Bakersfield."
We've got straight out of the mouth of the CPR trainer this week:
"Make sure you always owe someone money."
What about:
"Who the fuck knows why Yoko Ono hated her."
Here's one:
"Some of the best pot is grown in Oregon. So shut it."
But the quote of the week has to go to an elderly Waist High relative who, when asked by Waist High what she had been up to since the last time they spoke, said: "Oh. Not much. Killing spiders."
Waist High's Doctor to Waist High at 11:37 this morning:
"I am sorry you think I am trying to be mean. That is not my intention. But like I said, no alcohol for the next 7 days while you are taking this medication."
LOVELY TEENAGED DAUGHTER: "You know. You don't know what the hell you are talking about. Interpol doesn't sound like whoever you said? Joy Division? They sound like New Order numnuts."
WAIST HIGH: "What is a numnuts?"
And my favorite this week:
LOVELY TEENAGED DAUGHTER: "Lemme have these glasses. You don't need them. I need to look hot, not you!"
Photo of the soon to be 17 year old courtesy of: The Waist High Collection
"So have you had, like, plastic surgery?" is only the greatest compliment disguised as a question EVER if the person that asked you was a 21 year old female who LITERALLY could not believe that you were 37 and had a 16 year old daughter that drives a Volvo station wagon.
The MILF comment?
I told her I hear that all the time.
The "You dress so cute for your age. Look at you, with your Carlos Santana shoes" comment, I could have done without.
Waist High, upon hearing a quotable from someone who does not know the existence of Waist High (and wanting to keep it that way), will tell the individual who utters the quotable that what they have just said "is quotable." Waist High just doesn't tell that individual where exactly they will be quoted. So to the individual who I will quote now: I told you that was quotable.
WH to friend who was getting ready to drive to Waist High's for dinner: "I sure hope you are hungry!"
Friend: "I am. I haven't eaten all day. I'm starving. But I'll be fine. I'll smoke all the way to your house."
Photo courtesy of: outhousegraffiti.com
