Vanity Doesn't Necessarily Kill. It Could Get "Them" To Return You Sooner Though.

What was simply an innocent comment to My Lovely Teenaged Daughter, while dining at Portland Oregon's Typhoon Restaurant last Saturday, about the most frightening documentary Waist High has ever seen, has somehow led to many, many horrifying things. Which includes, but is not limited to, the quote of the week, the year, or maybe even: my entire career as a mother.

If you have not seen Dan Aykroyd Unplugged on UFO's, don't. No, really. Don't. Because if you do, the following might happen to you too.

You might start out by mentioning to your teenaged daughter, while dining, "Hey, I watched this documentary on UFO's with Dan Aykroyd." You then might find yourself telling that same teenaged daughter all of the horrifying things that you saw/heard in said documentary. Including, but not limited to, Dan Aykroyd describing the day he was told that his SCI-FI Channel show Out There was cancelled: "He describes an incident that occurred while he was preparing to tape a new episode. He had stepped outside and was taking a phone call to come back for a Saturday Night Live skit. During this conversation, Aykroyd claims he was approached by the notorious Men in Black -- not Will Smith or Tommy Lee Jones, either, but the possible real magilla, complete with a large black vehicle. They watched him, he turned away, turned back and they were gone. Within seconds."

Your teenaged daughter might then become scared out of her mind, but will insist on seeing the documentary for herself, because there is no way, according to her, that all of the things that you have just told her could be true.

You might then go rent above mentioned documentary, which includes footage Mexican Air Force pilots filmed of 11 UFO's in the skies over Mexico in March 2004. UFO's, I might mention, that the pilots never saw with their own eyes, but UFO's picked up by their infrared lens equipped video camera. (Read all about that

And hey, while you are renting the Aykroyd documentary, why not rent Close Encounters of The Third Kind, a film your teenaged daughter has never seen, and a film you, a 38 year old grown up, has not seen since its release in 1977. You might then watch both these films. In the middle of the night.

ONE WEEK LATER, you might still find yourself engaged in conversations with your teenaged daughter who now believes that she, being one of more than 300 million American citizens, will be the next UFO abductee. She then might get a lecture about how that kind of stuff only happens in rural areas where her mother works, not in the middle of a big city full of smelly hippies.

So now, not only is your 17 year old daughter afraid to be alone for one second, but you, the 38 year old grown up, might find yourself doing the following:

1. Sleeping with your back only to the wall.
2. Minimizing use of the bathroom in the middle of the night. And when using the bathroom in the middle of the night, running to it and from it.
3. Realizing that no shit, the rural roads that you drive to your workplace in rural Oregon, and the large open fields that surround them, would be perfect for abductions.
4. Wondering when the day will come that you will be able to get the image of Barry, the child from Close Encounters, being yanked through the doggie door by the aliens, out of your mind.
5. Which is nothing compared to getting the 'screws in the floor vent' scene out of your mind. Thanks Spielberg.
6. Constantly e-mailing terrifying pictures of aliens and UFO's to your beloved only child, who is scared to death of being abducted by aliens. Terrifying pictures have included Barry, the child from Close Encounters, being yanked through the doggie door by the aliens.

You then might go down the path of wondering if you are really suitable to be a parent, what kind of parent does that to their child? You might then have the following exchange with your teenaged daughter:

(Which could then lead to you being overcome with immense vain pride. Which might lead to you possibly kissing yourself on the lips in the mirror. Which could even lead to you thanking Dan Aykroyd, via e-mail, for the documentary. Because against all odds, your daughter has become her mother's daughter. She has grown up to be just like you. ABC & Martin Fry loving, expensive new shoes once a month buying, and all)

WAIST HIGH: "You are not going to get abducted. Get real."
LOVELY TEENAGED DAUGHTER: "Yes I am. Turn the music up."
WAIST HIGH: "Knock it off."
LOVELY TEENAGED DAUGHTER: "And if they take my shoes, I'm gonna be pissed!"

Quoted material: the-trades.com