Mama Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be "Childern."

To just jump ahead: the moral of this story is DON'T MAKE GLOVES OUT OF DIRTY TUBE SOCKS YOU FOUND LAYING AROUND THE "FACILITY OF CORRECTIONS" WHERE YOU WORK.

Sunday evening on my ride home from work, the temperature around these parts was a breezy 24 degrees, and because I have no self control and continue to smoke EVEN AFTER BEING HYPNOTIZED TWICE, I rolled down the window for my relaxing 4 cigarette, 29 minute journey home. Believe me when I tell you there is no relief from the cold in the Waist High mobile because Waist High's heater does not work, and has not worked for a very long time. By the time I got home, and because I was not wearing gloves because I do not own any, the tips of my fingers had started to freeze.

So the next evening at work, knowing I still did not own any gloves, and was facing similar temperatures on my 4 cigarette, 29 minute journey home, I made some homemade gloves.

As Waist High was leaving the building for the 29 minute, 4 cigarette journey home, she shivered with hometown Bakersfield pride as she heard, what she herself already knew, but had been waiting her whole life for someone to confirm: "You are officially white trash!"

Photo captured in the town of Kennewick Washington courtesy of: rickemerson.com

A Little Story To Light Your Fire.

French woman attempts to open door of plane to have a smoke.

Material inspired by: timrileymedia.com
Photo courtesy: news.bbc.co.uk

This "Imposed Amnesia" Thing Is Sweet.

"The reason it has been so successful with me is because my colleague imposed amnesia when I was in hypnosis, and no other therapy, to my knowledge, can do this. I forgot about it completely. I never feel the urge to pick up a pack of cigarettes."
Geoffrey Knight

Waist High would like to thank Portland hypnotherapist Geoffrey Knight for helping her to bring to an end a filthy 21 year habit. It has been 14 days since Waist High paid a visit to Mr. Knight, and she is happy to report that the above imposed amnesia thing is true. My memory of the pleasure of smoking is gone.

You, my fine readers, have been present for two of my approximately 7 failed "attempts" at smoking cessation, and it was during this last failed "attempt" that I finally realized that my desire to smoke was greater than my desire to quit. Enter Geoffrey Knight.

Please read Portland Mercury reporter John Dooley's tale of his visit to Mr. Knight. His story manages to make a 60 cigarette a day habit seem funny.

Photo: The Waist High Collection

Quote Of The Week.

Waist High, upon hearing a quotable from someone who does not know the existence of Waist High (and wanting to keep it that way), will tell the individual who utters the quotable that what they have just said "is quotable." Waist High just doesn't tell that individual where exactly they will be quoted. So to the individual who I will quote now: I told you that was quotable.

WH to friend who was getting ready to drive to Waist High's for dinner: "I sure hope you are hungry!"
Friend: "I am. I haven't eaten all day. I'm starving. But I'll be fine. I'll smoke all the way to your house."

Photo courtesy of: outhousegraffiti.com

In James Taylor's Voice: "You Just Call Out My Name..."

And although Waist High contuinues to appreciate her World Domination this fine morning, she is also celebrating a more commendable kind of achievement: 10 weeks smoke free.

It has not always been easy, and below is why.

Photo of one of Waist High's long time and closest friends' hand not too long after Waist High explained to him that being around a smoker would not be in Waist High's best interest during the critical first 90 days, courtesy of: The Waist High Collection

Sorry About The Drop In Sales Parliament...

 

20 year smoker Waist High celebrates 14 days smoke free today. Note to authors of The Complete Idiot's Guide To Quitting Smoking: not once during a VERY INTENSE craving have I thought, "Gee, I think CLIMBING A TREE will help me through this." 

Photo of Waist High and the individual who offered Waist High her first cigarette courtesy of: The Waist High Collection

Outback Steakhouse. Family Eatery Or "High Risk" Location?

Waist High (a 20 year smoker) is now 11 days smoke free.

Helping her through the process is The Complete Idiot's Guide To Quitting Smoking. I would highly recommend this book to anyone who is considering quitting smoking, as it guides you through each and every feeling and stage of the process. The trick to the book however, is that you actually have to do what it tells you to do.

One of the author's suggestions I shall quote here: "We highly recommend avoidance of high-risk situations for the first week or two. Examples include bars, parties, breaks at work, and basically anything else that involves other smokers and or alcohol."

So the VERY HIGH RISK scenario Wednesday night can be summed up in 11 words: (chain smoking coworkers outback steakhouse alcohol greasy meal long drive home)

Waist High didn't smoke, but she did not listen to the professionals. When they say avoid HIGH RISK SITUATIONS FOR THE FIRST WEEK OR TWO.

Would you believe that there are still "Schick Centers."

"At Schick, in just five days you lose the nicotine craving that drives you to smoke thousands of life-threatening cigarettes each year. Out of 100 people going through the program to stop smoking, 93 will stop within five days."

1-800-CRAVING

Jesus. Help Me.

Next to the thought that I CAN NEVER SMOKE A CIGARETTE AGAIN, EVER, the scariest realization Waist High had this week was that the majority of her wardrobe comes from Target.

No Ifs. No Ands. No "Butts."

Waist High would again like to say "Thank You" to M.P., the individual who handed Waist High her first cigarette in 1984. Thanks. I am really loving this nicotine withdrawal, this sleeplessness, this extreme irritability, this constipation, this nervousness, and this complete inability to relax. If I am ever in Salt Lake City, I am going to find you and possibly strangle you.

This writer is now 7 days smoke free. She has been guided intelligently through this past week by a classic work of FICTION. Some kind of fairy tale.

Note to authors of The Complete Idiot's Guide To Quitting Smoking, the following ARE NOT realistic substitutes to smoking: "Calling a friend," "Going somewhere else," "Showering immediately," "Writing a letter," or "Climbing a tree."

Additionally, I did not think the following was a good approach to take: "It's also a good idea to link up your quit date with another date that has significance for you. It could be a birthday or an anniversary. Maybe it's the day you graduated from school, your child's birthday, or the anniversary date OF YOUR PARENT'S DEATH FROM A SMOKING RELATED ILLNESS."

I did appreciate the following however, "Use this checklist to go through your home, office, and car and remove the (now) offensive items:
[] Lighters and matches
[] Ashtrays
[] Breath mints and gum
[] Tobacco company T-shirts, caps or other items
[] CLOTHING WITH BURNED HOLES IN THEM."

My Adoring Public Knows. Didn't Bother To Tell My Child Though.

Merrily driving along in the Taurus:

Daughter: Why aren't you smoking?
Waist High: I quit dummy.
Daughter: Nuh-uh.
Waist High: Yes I did. You gotta go to my web site. You'll see.

Gilroy 1993.

Disgusting And Expensive Habit That I Love 1984-2004.

 

Photo: The Waist High Gilroy Collection

You Know You Need To "Quit" When...

You are 36 years old and you accidentally take a drink from a can full of cigarette butts.

Thank You Estee Lauder!

When you start your day noticing that the odometer on your car has passed the 100,000 mile mark, it is very nice to have your day end with the gentleman who is selling you tobacco products questioning whether or not you are actually 18 years old:

Gentleman selling tobacco products: "You are 18, right?"
Waist High: "I hope so. Do you really wanna see my I.D.?"
Gentleman: "No. I trust you."
Waist High: "Do I really look like I might not be over 18?"
Gentleman: "It's possible."
Waist High: "OK. So you said Parliament is having a two for one deal?"