If You Can't Beat Em, Join Em.

One of my greatest pleasures in life is to nettle my mother. Calling her with my latest useless information is always thrilling, but better yet, I love hearing her react to my supposed constant wanton immaturity and never-ending slights:

"So I suppose that while I'M STILL IN THE RECOVERY ROOM after a full hip replacement, you are just going to prance on over to the Metallica concert?"

"Thank GOD my son will be there for me!"

"I can't stay at your place too long, I don't like your floor plan."

"Could you please do me a favor and not wear those yellow exfoliating sandals in public?"

"Please don't upset your grandmother!"

"Please don't touch my belongings!"

"I don't read your damn website!!!!!!!!!"