WAIST HIGH

9/15/2006

But is now the mother of an adult, when on Sept. 4 her daughter Morgan turned 18. She can now, according to her, "Do whatever the fuck I want."

I, Waist High, promised myself before I left Oregon for my reunion that when I returned I would take a stab at having a social life. I became even more determined to keep that promise to myself after telling many fine folks at the reunion, who told me that they read my blog, that the reason that I can blog is because "I have no life."

So, so long for now folks, this is Waist High signing off, and who better to do that for me than my beautiful and witty adult daughter. But let me just first say FUCK YOU KERN COUNTY DRUNKARD, AND FUCK YOU JED!

Hello old people with nothing better to do than read someone else's blog. This is the Lovely Teenaged Daughter reporting from Waist High's lair, and I just finished explaining to my Mom what 'bringing sexy back' was. And she claimed she just heard "My Humps" for the first time on Thursday. I laughed merely because that song is over a year old now. She is currently sanitizing the entire house wearing a Duran Duran t-shirt. My Lovely Wannabee Teenaged Mother informed me today that this is going to be the last post of her blog and that I need to make it "funny." I ignored the fact that I am just her puppet for funny blog posts and gasped at the fact that she said "last post." LAST POST? Who does Waist High think she is? Honestly, who is going to post a happy birthday every other day to some washed out 1980s singer that most of you forgot was even still alive. Who is going to blog about her adventures to West High to take pieces off the wall to show me that in fact, her web site does match the original color of West High.

So Waist High is calling it quits for now, and all I can say is that I hope she takes up a new hobby because she is sure going to have a lot of free time now that she isn't spending all of her time being sedated in the eighties. With the time she's spending not blogging she could probably knit me a quilt. Maybe she can finally start buying holiday sweaters and driving a mini van and being middle aged like the rest of the world.

Who am I kidding? My Mom will always listen to The Specials and Duran Duran and drive a beat up Taurus that I refer to as "the bathtub." Even if she isn't blogging about 1986 she will always be Waist High. I think that's what makes my Mom so quarky is that she doesn't wear holiday sweaters like most of the fat housewives that live in this town, and she doesn't live off a husband who works while she stays home and makes it her job to pack sack lunches and watch Days of Our Lives. All my friends think she's my sister and I think that's what makes my mom so cool.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

THE KERN COUNTY DRUNKARD
Everything at Waist High is a long story, and the story of The KCD is no exception. After this individual told Waist High in December of 2003 that she was going to kill her, "Waist High" the blog was born. Please do not tell Waist High the person that you are going to kill her or she will create "Waist High" the blog and write nasty things about you! Including the time you stunk up the bathroom at The Alley Cat. The "Kern County Drunkard Watch" detailed the drunken comings and goings of the live-in love interest of one of Waist High's most cherished male friends. Never has Waist High met anyone who drank as much as or as often as The KCD. The KCD, because she was an insecure drunk, hated Waist High for most of her decade long relationship with Waist High's most cherished male friend. She hated Waist High for the obvious reason: Waist High is hot. A one time source of much of the material for Waist High the blog, The "Kern County Drunkard Watch" was permanently retired in March 2005 when Waist High's most cherished male friend finally came to his senses and kicked her ass to the curb.

RAMPART
Rampart is the first ex-husband of Waist High. She refers to him as her first ex-husband because she knows there will eventually be a second. Rampart grew up on the mean streets of Bakersfield and claims to have been the co-discoverer of the well known 1980s dirt field party spot known as "The Place." Rampart's 1987 directive to Waist High, "Drink this six pack before I get back!" made both Waist High and Rampart parents at age 20. Rampart currently resides 4.5 miles from Waist High in the wilds of Oregon and is an enduring fixture at their local Cigs For Less shop. Once a Bakersfield Del Taco associate, Sail Thru Hamburgers drive up dude, and Wible Road AM/PM graveyard worker, Rampart claims to now net $49,000 per month. But only to impress people, not when required.

(THE FORMER) LOVELY TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Not your average 35 year old. Born to Waist High as a "Miracle on 34th Street" in Bakersfield Memorial Hospital on 34th Street, LTD is on the board of MAC cosmetics. Not really, but she swears allegiance only to them. When LTD's mother once purchased LTD some eye shadow from Target, LTD threatened to call the police. Sweeter than Tupelo Honey, with the attitude of a feral cat, LTD is disgusted with most things. Including being forced to live with Waist High from 1988-2005. The child at one time even had her own blog, "Living With Waist High," which detailed her misery. A graduate of the oldest institution in the Oregon University System, LTD kept her promise of not getting knocked up at age 20 like Waist High did.

THE STRANGER
Oh God bless The Stranger. The Stranger was one of Waist High's most loyal confidants during some of the darker periods of the blog. Although his fierce allegiance to really bad music was a great source of aggravation for Waist High, The Stranger gave her a much needed look at life. Through the eyes of someone not yet bitter. The Stranger was almost pushed out of a moving vehicle when he revealed to Waist High that not only did he not know who Barry Manilow, Captain & Tenille, or Spandau Ballet were, but that he literally had no clue what Trail Mix was.

"TRI-TIP"
Special Correspondent to Waist High, and one of Waist High's most cherished friends. Used to live with The Kern County Drunkard. Was a Special Correspondent to Waist High for 9 months before knowing it. Long story. This individual coined the ultimate mid '80s Bakersfield drinking phrase, "Lock hubs. Party!"

DESI
Waist High's former work spouse. Cares about Waist High so much that he once took Waist High with him on a smoke break the very next day after she spent $250 for hypnotherapy TO QUIT SMOKING. Was the first person in conversation to introduce Waist High to concepts like "The Dirty Sanchez," "Dog In A Bathtub," "Tea Bagging," and "The Shocker." Reminds Waist High as often as possible that if women "neglect the balls," their men will leave them.