WAIST HIGH: Ah Yes. Something That Is Sponsored By Old Grand Dad.

5/06/2006

Ah Yes. Something That Is Sponsored By Old Grand Dad.

Waist High this week has received more e-mails, links, 'pictures as gifts,' and questions about her breasts disguised as questions about a t-shirt, than any week in the history of Waist High. And because, thank God, Waist High does not have public comments, you my fine readers have been left out of all the fun. And this, I can not do to you.

Revealing to you my answers, will more than likely reveal to you the questions.

Yes, my breasts are real. Yes, I know they are perky for a 38 year old. Yes, it is a recent picture. I don't know, it is probably the padded bra. I marched into the front office of West High School, asked to talk to the activities director, and asked if she had any t-shirts for sale. No, I never mentioned that I was Waist High to try to get free t-shirts. I can not reveal the identity of "Tri-Tip." Yes, he is funny. Yes, he knows that everything he says could possibly end up on Waist High. Most of my quotes of the week come from him. Yes, he can have his very own "Quote of the Week." Yes, I get hate mail. Yes, the "mild" mannered Waist High felt the use of the words M***** F***** were appropriate for the situation. No, I have never tried Clamato and beer. It sounds sick. No, I do not need anymore pictures of Old Grand Dad related things. Thank you for the Old Grand Dad quote. No, you are not bothering me.

Jake "The Skate" Soros: "I'm pretty happy where I'm at. Just doing my thing, figuring some shit out. I have a couple of friends who went straight, they have pretty good jobs now. I've been thinking about going back and finishing college. Did you know I was a business major? True story. I was going to be a stock broker like my Granddad. Man, I miss that stuff."
J. Waller: "College?"
Jake "The Skate" Soros: "No, Old Grand Dad Whiskey. Smooooth."

Photo: transchool.eustis.army.mil
Quote: moderndrunkardmagazine.com via a devoted Waist High reader

CAST OF CHARACTERS

THE KERN COUNTY DRUNKARD
Everything at Waist High is a long story, and the story of The KCD is no exception. After this individual told Waist High in December of 2003 that she was going to kill her, "Waist High" the blog was born. Please do not tell Waist High the person that you are going to kill her or she will create "Waist High" the blog and write nasty things about you! Including the time you stunk up the bathroom at The Alley Cat. The "Kern County Drunkard Watch" detailed the drunken comings and goings of the live-in love interest of one of Waist High's most cherished male friends. Never has Waist High met anyone who drank as much as or as often as The KCD. The KCD, because she was an insecure drunk, hated Waist High for most of her decade long relationship with Waist High's most cherished male friend. She hated Waist High for the obvious reason: Waist High is hot. A one time source of much of the material for Waist High the blog, The "Kern County Drunkard Watch" was permanently retired in March 2005 when Waist High's most cherished male friend finally came to his senses and kicked her ass to the curb.

RAMPART
Rampart is the first ex-husband of Waist High. She refers to him as her first ex-husband because she knows there will eventually be a second. Rampart grew up on the mean streets of Bakersfield and claims to have been the co-discoverer of the well known 1980s dirt field party spot known as "The Place." Rampart's 1987 directive to Waist High, "Drink this six pack before I get back!" made both Waist High and Rampart parents at age 20. Rampart currently resides 4.5 miles from Waist High in the wilds of Oregon and is an enduring fixture at their local Cigs For Less shop. Once a Bakersfield Del Taco associate, Sail Thru Hamburgers drive up dude, and Wible Road AM/PM graveyard worker, Rampart claims to now net $49,000 per month. But only to impress people, not when required.

(THE FORMER) LOVELY TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Not your average 35 year old. Born to Waist High as a "Miracle on 34th Street" in Bakersfield Memorial Hospital on 34th Street, LTD is on the board of MAC cosmetics. Not really, but she swears allegiance only to them. When LTD's mother once purchased LTD some eye shadow from Target, LTD threatened to call the police. Sweeter than Tupelo Honey, with the attitude of a feral cat, LTD is disgusted with most things. Including being forced to live with Waist High from 1988-2005. The child at one time even had her own blog, "Living With Waist High," which detailed her misery. A graduate of the oldest institution in the Oregon University System, LTD kept her promise of not getting knocked up at age 20 like Waist High did.

THE STRANGER
Oh God bless The Stranger. The Stranger was one of Waist High's most loyal confidants during some of the darker periods of the blog. Although his fierce allegiance to really bad music was a great source of aggravation for Waist High, The Stranger gave her a much needed look at life. Through the eyes of someone not yet bitter. The Stranger was almost pushed out of a moving vehicle when he revealed to Waist High that not only did he not know who Barry Manilow, Captain & Tenille, or Spandau Ballet were, but that he literally had no clue what Trail Mix was.

"TRI-TIP"
Special Correspondent to Waist High, and one of Waist High's most cherished friends. Used to live with The Kern County Drunkard. Was a Special Correspondent to Waist High for 9 months before knowing it. Long story. This individual coined the ultimate mid '80s Bakersfield drinking phrase, "Lock hubs. Party!"

DESI
Waist High's former work spouse. Cares about Waist High so much that he once took Waist High with him on a smoke break the very next day after she spent $250 for hypnotherapy TO QUIT SMOKING. Was the first person in conversation to introduce Waist High to concepts like "The Dirty Sanchez," "Dog In A Bathtub," "Tea Bagging," and "The Shocker." Reminds Waist High as often as possible that if women "neglect the balls," their men will leave them.