WAIST HIGH: Bakersfield Police Department. Doing Their Part To Make America Safe.

6/10/2004

Bakersfield Police Department. Doing Their Part To Make America Safe.

It's good to know my hometown is now safe.

(bakersfield.com) The Bakersfield Police Department cracked down on curfew Wednesday night.

In an effort to clean up the streets of Bakersfield, the BPD deployed one half of their force Wednesday night to catch mischievous teens out past the 10 p.m. curfew. The officers said they would focus on several Bakersfield hangouts.

Police get frequent calls for loitering at The Marketplace, THE TACO BELL ON MING AVENUE, and the fast-food parking lots at White Lane and Gosford Road.

"That is messed up!" said 14-year-old Christina Sparks, a new freshman at Liberty High School. "There's no where else in Bakersfield," she said. "Cause Bakersfield's stupid."

Hey Christina, we need to talk. Sounds like you might need a tutorial from Waist High. I have a manual I could send you. It's called, Bakersfield and All it's Nooks and Crannies: Where and How to Have Fun in a Town That's Mainly Dirt.

I don't think hanging out in the parking lots of fast food places on White Lane is really taking advantage of all that Bakersfield has to offer.

Chapter one in the manual: "Where to Go if You Wanna Loiter and Drink Without Too Much BPD Harassment."
Chapter two is simply: "How My Former Spouse Claims He and His Buddy Are Two of the Original Founders of the Whole 'Let's Party in a Dirt Field' Idea."
Chapter three: "How to Get Drunk on $5.00 a Night."
Chapter four: "Why Garces High and West High Football Players Should Never Party Together."
Chapter five: "Kroll Park Sump: The Ultimate Hangout."
Chapter six: "Fail Safe Techniques For Drinking More on a Full Stomach: Blowing Chunks 101."
Chapter seven: "Why Robbing a Beer Truck Might Now Land You in the Penitentiary."
Chapter eight: "Cutting School to Drink: Where to Go in the Light of Day."

And finally, Chapter nine: "Where and What to Eat if You are Drunk: Staying Away From Der Weiner Schnitzel."

CAST OF CHARACTERS

THE KERN COUNTY DRUNKARD
Everything at Waist High is a long story, and the story of The KCD is no exception. After this individual told Waist High in December of 2003 that she was going to kill her, "Waist High" the blog was born. Please do not tell Waist High the person that you are going to kill her or she will create "Waist High" the blog and write nasty things about you! Including the time you stunk up the bathroom at The Alley Cat. The "Kern County Drunkard Watch" detailed the drunken comings and goings of the live-in love interest of one of Waist High's most cherished male friends. Never has Waist High met anyone who drank as much as or as often as The KCD. The KCD, because she was an insecure drunk, hated Waist High for most of her decade long relationship with Waist High's most cherished male friend. She hated Waist High for the obvious reason: Waist High is hot. A one time source of much of the material for Waist High the blog, The "Kern County Drunkard Watch" was permanently retired in March 2005 when Waist High's most cherished male friend finally came to his senses and kicked her ass to the curb.

RAMPART
Rampart is the first ex-husband of Waist High. She refers to him as her first ex-husband because she knows there will eventually be a second. Rampart grew up on the mean streets of Bakersfield and claims to have been the co-discoverer of the well known 1980s dirt field party spot known as "The Place." Rampart's 1987 directive to Waist High, "Drink this six pack before I get back!" made both Waist High and Rampart parents at age 20. Rampart currently resides 4.5 miles from Waist High in the wilds of Oregon and is an enduring fixture at their local Cigs For Less shop. Once a Bakersfield Del Taco associate, Sail Thru Hamburgers drive up dude, and Wible Road AM/PM graveyard worker, Rampart claims to now net $49,000 per month. But only to impress people, not when required.

(THE FORMER) LOVELY TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Not your average 35 year old. Born to Waist High as a "Miracle on 34th Street" in Bakersfield Memorial Hospital on 34th Street, LTD is on the board of MAC cosmetics. Not really, but she swears allegiance only to them. When LTD's mother once purchased LTD some eye shadow from Target, LTD threatened to call the police. Sweeter than Tupelo Honey, with the attitude of a feral cat, LTD is disgusted with most things. Including being forced to live with Waist High from 1988-2005. The child at one time even had her own blog, "Living With Waist High," which detailed her misery. A graduate of the oldest institution in the Oregon University System, LTD kept her promise of not getting knocked up at age 20 like Waist High did.

THE STRANGER
Oh God bless The Stranger. The Stranger was one of Waist High's most loyal confidants during some of the darker periods of the blog. Although his fierce allegiance to really bad music was a great source of aggravation for Waist High, The Stranger gave her a much needed look at life. Through the eyes of someone not yet bitter. The Stranger was almost pushed out of a moving vehicle when he revealed to Waist High that not only did he not know who Barry Manilow, Captain & Tenille, or Spandau Ballet were, but that he literally had no clue what Trail Mix was.

"TRI-TIP"
Special Correspondent to Waist High, and one of Waist High's most cherished friends. Used to live with The Kern County Drunkard. Was a Special Correspondent to Waist High for 9 months before knowing it. Long story. This individual coined the ultimate mid '80s Bakersfield drinking phrase, "Lock hubs. Party!"

DESI
Waist High's former work spouse. Cares about Waist High so much that he once took Waist High with him on a smoke break the very next day after she spent $250 for hypnotherapy TO QUIT SMOKING. Was the first person in conversation to introduce Waist High to concepts like "The Dirty Sanchez," "Dog In A Bathtub," "Tea Bagging," and "The Shocker." Reminds Waist High as often as possible that if women "neglect the balls," their men will leave them.